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Weighed
Average (?):  (6.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (8/10) |
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Rating: (8/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 11, 2012 |
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Well, that was a nice surprise.
...
In Julie's Surprise Visitor we are treated to a quality little tale by author Lizzy Storm. In it, 19 year old Julie has a night to remember. It is told in first person and combines enough dialog and action to move the plot along nicely. I could enjoy a whole series of Julie. Hopefully I'll be just as surprised as she is with each additional event. I hope the author has her yanked into a storage closet at school, bound at the wrists and left hanging after he satisfies himself, burying a vibrator and taping it in before he goes. Or maybe... Or maybe I should let Ms. Storm handle sequels.
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There are a couple of things I'd like to recommend to the author. First of all, one of the major things missing in this story was description. Action and dialog were handled well, but any author who writes in first person needs to keep in mind that the character is the lens in which the reader views the world. In order to set the scene, you could have had Lizzy look around her room. Imagine what depth you could have provided with that. Had the room been decorated in Hello Kitty, what would that have told us? It would have established innocence. Had the room been filled with Justin Bieber posters, or Twilight pictures, it would have said something different. Use descriptions to add depth. I know it's hard when in first person, but you have to do it. Remember, creating a scene first starts by building a set.
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From a grammatical standpoint, I didn't see any problems. That was one of the other reasons I was pleased when reading this. There was a decent combination of compound and simple sentences, and punctuation was handled well.
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Timing I think is the main issue. The story is too bloody short. In all honesty, the eroticism of the story was fantastic. Got me hard as a rock. Not to be delicate, the story reached it's climax while I did not. I definitely believe in "leave them wanting more", but this was just a tad bit too extreme. Like I said, a series would go a long way to helping this out. I'd just read the second tale.
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I also want to express the fact that I was frequently confused about what position Julie was in. Maybe I read to fast, but we went from on her back with hands bound behind her in a zip tie, to hands in front in a zip tie and on stomach, to standing, without much in the way of explanation. Clearly, I was a little wrapped up in things. I could go back and check to see if I missed key sentences, but regardless my advice is the same. For major action changes of position, make sure that there is at least two or three sentences focused on the change. That way, if your reader is caught up in the moment (and let me assure you, I was,) then they won't miss something important.
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This was Ms. Storm's first story posting on the BDSM Library, and she hit a decent triplet. I'm very much looking forward to reading more from this author. (8/10)
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