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Surprise
Author: SATANS(witch)
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(Added on Oct 2, 2003)
(This month 8081 readers) (Total 14323 readers) |
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Master plans a surprise for His slave. Has her taken to an unknown destination and chained to a post. Left in darkness and silence, blindfolded and trapped, she can only wonder what He has in store... |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Emily
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 12, 2003 |
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Too matter-of-factly written for me, although there is no denying the bdsm and nice description in here. 'i' is usually capitalized, but I am willing to overlook this and attribute it to sumbissive dialogue. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
Alex Bragi
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 10, 2003 |
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This author certainly knows his or her way around the bdsm scene, and relates it well here.
The two main problems I noted were - its written the first and second person, and its in the present tense. Sure stories/vignettes in this style this can be very good, but I could count them all on one hand and still have a thumb and fingers left over. Only the bravest of the brave should attempt them.
The reasons are simple. Its just too easy to alienate half your readers with first/second person writing. Men just can't relate to things like - Your hard cock feels so hard inside me... While women are, obviously, the reverse.
Present tense is an awkward read for many people. To the author's credit its firm until just one tiny slip at the end, dug instead of dig, and that's a damned good effort considering how difficult is to write.
A few minor things that I would like to have not seen were, @, w/, i, omg, and He . Leave the internet chat jargon where it belongs. I was also distracted by a couple of typos... Oh boy, don't I just feel like the midget calling the munchkin short say that!
Please remember too each character's new line of dialog needs a fresh line, it just makes it easier to follow and read, especially of a computer screen.
Overall its very erotic piece but, like its already been said, its kind of "DUH" ... at the end. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
e.e. norcod
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 2, 2003 |
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I agree with anguisette. The writer shows great promise but is not there yet. The ending left me going DUH! I look forward to future short stories by this team. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
anguisette
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 2, 2003 |
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this story has potential. my biggest complaint is the use of internet shorthand. nothing screams amateur more than "omg" and "@." unless the story is purposely set up to include shorthand like that, it doesn't do the trick. the only other sugegstion i have is to develop the emotions of the character more clearly early on. she doesn't really appear to get scared until she is tied to the pillar; i think most of us would either be scared earlier or just plain excited. whichever it is, if you start out by describing her emotional state in more detail, it gives the reader more of an "in" on the characters. (6/10)
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