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EXTRACTS OF FEAR.
Hers January 10 th 2003
Dear diary,
He wasn't in the best of moods again today. I didn't catch most of his ranting but it was as usual about work. I know he hates his job. Why doesn't he do something about it? We don't seem to be close anymore. We never talk or make time for fun. Can three years of marriage really do such damage to a relationship?
I don't think ill try and talk to him about it tonight. He'll probably go down the pub soon anyway, and then I can clean up.
His
I was so mad today, I've been working all day and she's done nothing, absolutely nothing in the house. I have even had to make my own tea. George 'the boss' recons I'm going to get laid off soon. I don't know how I'm going to cope, I wish shed get a job and help. Its not like we have kids, that'd be hard seems as we never have sex.
January 20 th 2003
Hers Dear diary,
Today he really scared me, he came home three hours early and told me he's "packed the stupid fucking job in" he put his fist through the wooden door in the front room. I ran to the kitchen in fright, he just followed me smashing plates and cups on the floor. Screaming at me it was my fault we never had any money. I don't even do the house expenses I didn't know what he was talking about.
His
I tried to tell her today I really did. What sort of man would I seem like to her if she ever found I can't manage the finances or hold a job down. She doesn't care. She never offers to help or get a job or anything. I even have to cook and clean myself. I wish id never married her.
Her's January 29 th
He's been drinking all day. He's reluctant to go and look for another job; I think he has been lying to me. I don't believe him when he says he's got interviews he comes home drunk. I'm sure I could smell perfume on him today. Diary what am I to do? I feel trapped. I can't talk to him; he refuses to listen to me saying I'm going on at him. I just want things back to the way they were.
His
I couldn't go to the interview today. I looked in the wardrobe and I had nothing to wear. The lazy fucking cow won't even do the washing. She knew I had an interview. I told her I had to go see my mum today. Least she could have done was to help. I couldn't go in what clothes I had. Rags more like it not clothes.
I met this women in the bar today, she listened to me, it seemed like she understood. She said she had a suit I could use tomorrow. I was so grateful. Why cant my wife be more like that.
Her February 15 th
Dear diary,
I was right all along, he has been seeing someone else, I followed him today down by the supermarket and into the pub. She was sitting there waiting for him. I'm going to question him about it tonight. Things just seem in such a mess how can I put things right?
His
I met Julia again today, she had even bought the suit with her, bless her she's so thoughtful. If I weren't married to that idol cow id definitely propose to her. I wish she was more like Julia.
Her February 16 th
I was wrong to question him; he's had such a hard time. The fighting and the arguing isn't worth the waste of time. I shouldn't have flew at him. I know now its all my fault. If only I hadn't flew at him, at the time I just wanted to hit him and hurt him. I never thought he'd hit me back. He didn't mean to he swore he didn't mean to it was a reflex action. Kind of like the reflex action I had to hit him I guess. I should get some makeup tomorrow.
Him
That stupid cow, she came flying at me today, really lashing out at me. I hit her. God I know its wrong but it felt so good. Talk about stress relief. I might say some horrid things about her, truth is I do love her. I just wish shed make more of an effort.
Her February 27 th
Things were really quiet for a bit I thought things were getting better. I thought he'd stopped seeing that woman, how wrong was I.
Like the silly cow I am he caught me following him. I didn't know he had seen me till he came home tonight.
Diary I'm in so much pain.
My lip is cut and swollen, my eye is all bruised yet again and the bruising on my arms is horrific. I feel so scared. I am going to pack my stuff and leave tomorrow.
Him
I saw Julia again today. it was a chance meet though. She was telling me shed found a nice man. I was so happy for her but also a little jealous. I went to 3 interviews and by the time I got in to be seen the position had gone each time. I was so mad when I came home the last thing I needed was more of her horse shit. I know I shouldn't hit her but it feels so good and so right. She needs to be taught a lesson. She can't make me so miserable all the time. Some days I wish shed leave but I do love her.
Her February 28 th
How he sobbed today when I had my bags packed. He explained that he was angry that I didn't trust him. He told me he was meeting her to tell her it was over. He was right you know I do read too much into things.
He says he has a job down the scrap yard. Starts on Monday, I hope things improve for us now.
Him
I knew when I woke up I was so wrong for acting that way last night. I begged her to stay with me told her wed work it out. I lied though I told her I had a job, If I hadn't though she would never have stayed.
Her March 16 th
Two weeks he's supposed to have been working, he never tells me anything. I saw two red bills today I daren't open them though he'd go mad. Maybe he's just a little behind not working for a while. I still can't talk to him but things seemed to have settled down.
Him
Slowly I feel like I'm sinking, loosing all control. I can't keep the lies up any longer. She doesn't know how to make me happy. I'm so depressed all the time. I sat in the toilets today and even thought about slitting my wrists. I'm getting desperate. I need to talk with her and sort things out.
Her March 19 th
He's drunk again. I'm hiding here in the bedroom in case he takes it out on me. I'm so scared. I don't know what he's breaking.
Him
Had a few drinks, I'm in a horney mood, think ill see if she's in the mood for once.
Her March 20 th
He's just left for work. I can't get out of bed. I knew he was angry last night. I don't know where to go from here last night was so horrible. He kicked the bedroom door off its hinges and dragged me by my hair into the bathroom. My heads still sore.
He unbuckled his belt and unzipped his trousers. I cant explain how terrified I was. It has been a few months since we had sex but he cant expect me to want sex after all that's happened, sex doesn't fix all your problems. He pinned my head over the bath and raped me. Yes he raped me. He thrust himself inside me even though I was screaming out "please, please no please don't this to me". He didn't listen. The bruising on the inside of my thighs hurts me so much. There's a trickle of blood that's gone all hard on the bedding. This is the last straw I'm waiting till I know he's left before I go. I don't know where, I don't have any family and what few friends I have live over 400 miles away. I just don't want to stay here with him any longer.
Him
Oh my god what have I done, its going to take some swift talking to get out of this one.
Her March 21 st .
He got on his knees today and pleaded with me, I knew I had no where else to go so I stayed. I guess it was my own fault. I can't deny him sex all the time. No wonder he went with another woman. It can't really be rape if your married anyway can it?
We are going out for a meal tonight as a symbol of a fresh start. This is the most excited I've been in months.
I really think we might be getting somewhere.
Her April 23 rd
Dear diary,
It was my birthday today, he forgot. I'm going to leave it till tomorrow before I say anything. See how horrid he feels. after such a good month you would have thought he would have made an effort.
Him
Its her birthday today, I don't want to mention it think ill just wait and see things are hectic and I haven't any money anyway. She never remembers mine anyway. The doctor said I was depressed he's given me some pills I don't think I need them though.
Her April 24 th
Dear diary,
I've just come back from the hospital. I never should have gone on at him like that. I guess I deserved it. I can't believe how much of a cow I was to him. I never thought how upset I had made him.
He's knocked my two front teeth out, he didn't mean to though he threw something and it hit me. He said he didn't mean to hit me with it.
Him
I wanted to cave her face in today. She wants big elaborate things and I've got £2.50 to my name. ranting and raving about fuck all she's lucky she only lost two teeth.
Her May1st,
Dear diary,
It's bank holiday today.
I haven't dared to leave my room.
I know I should have cleaned the house up but I didn't know he wanted us to go out.
I feel so horrid.
He came upstairs and grabbed me from behind. For a second I felt so scared of him I tried to pull away from him. He was only showing me affection.
He squinted his eyes at me. "Scared are you, ill give you something to be scared about, you lazy fucking idol slut" and he dragged me down onto the floor.
He put his hand up the back of my dress and ripped my panties down. I tried to laugh at first, trying to turn it into a joke.
Bad mistake.
"How dare you laugh at me, you are a useless fucking dirty whore, ill show you what I do with useless fucking dirty whores" and he pushed my face deep into the floor as he unzipped his trousers.
I tried to clench as tight as possible but it was no use he used his fingers first, pushing them deep inside my ass. I've never had anything inserted inside my ass before it was horrid. I felt so sick. I tried to pull away from him but he pinned me down even tighter rubbing my face into the carpet.
Then came that moment, I feel so violated, he sodomised me, he raped my bum hole so fast and vigorously I threw up, I was sick on the floor, he didn't care at that point he rubbed my faced in the regurgitated slop coarsely so it hit the floor.
I have the most horrid carpet burn on the side of my face. It is nothing though compared with the feeling of shame and utter humiliation I feel at the hands of the man I once married for love.
My bum is bleeding and I have such horrid lasting cramps, I hope I die.
Him
I know it so wring but I saw red, she hasn't a clue about me or my life. She thinks not giving me even the slightest bit of compassion or love will make me beg her. How wrong she was. I enjoyed watching her suffer today.
Her May 2 nd ,
Dear diary,
I've been awake a few hours now; I'm still scared to leave my room. He's downstairs I know it; I can hear him moving around.
I haven't a clue what he's doing. I don't care as long as he doesn't come up here again. I should have left when I had the chance.
He changed so much in such a short space of time. I know some things horridly wrong. He never talks to me though, how was I supposed to help if I didn't know.
Him
Its about time I taught her a lesson, I'm sick of crying myself to sleep its about time she knew how it all felt. How it feels to be trapped with no way out. Like your sinking slowly and there's no escape.
Her May 3 rd ,
I'm trapped.
Last night he came upstairs and started working on the windows, He's nailed them all tight shut and painted the outside with black paint. I'm so frightened; I'm still shaking with trepidation. It'
s hard to keep shacking though when your legs are chained to the bed. Not tightly just enough so I cant reach the door.
He's put a sad little bucket in the middle of the room. I'm guessing that's for me. I need to get free. I need to reach a phone. He's gone mad.
Him
A day or two like that and shell know, maybe ill have some fun while I'm at it. I know its wrong but it feels so right. How is she going to understand unless she feels what I have felt?
Maybe I should go and speak with her; the thing is I don't know what to say to her. I'm lost for words. Would she listen to me anyway.
May 5 th ,
Dear lord,
The post man came today; I heard the letter box rattle. I screamed out as loud as I could, I'm pretty sure he heard something he must have done. I hope he did. If he did, he didn't come and save me from this mad man.
The screaming was a bad idea. I can barley hold this pen in my fingers due to the whipping I got. He came up and thumped me, right in the face. Then he ordered me to lye face down on the bed. Lord I was scared. I was so terribly frightened. I watched him unbuckle his belt as slowly as he could. Then he came over and waved it in my face threateningly. "How could you, you stupid cow. Don't you know what you could have done?"
It was so much more than a threat and I knew it when I felt the cold harsh leather lashing across my pale sweat dampened skin, I have never been so terrified in my entire life as I am at this moment please, please lord deliver me from this insane man. Have you no compassion for your flock, I am a lost sheep, sire please find me and rescue me. The bed sheets are sodden in my blood and my back aches so much from the lashes. Please lord have mercy on my soul, if I only get one thing that I ask for in my miserable existence let it be an end to my terrible torture.
Him
The fucking bitch, I could have killed her at that point. Doesn't she know what she's doing to me? I'm trying to teach her a lesson.
I can't even talk to her she refuses to listen. It doesn't matter how nice I am she doesn't care. She doesn't love me, she doesn't care about me. What a big mistake this whole thing was from the day we met neither of us has ever been really happy.
Her May 6 th .
Today he came and stood in the doorway watching me for a while. He neither cried nor smiled. I wish I could have known what was going through his mind at that moment in time.
Him
I'm going to have to let her go soon, I have to admit I was turned on though; I've been watching her walk over and pee in her little designated bucket. I feel a little dirty thinking like that but wow it really did feel nice.
Her may 7 th
I was so relieved today, he finally untied my tethering. I waited till he had left the house and here I am under the bridge miles away in the rain. I might not be that safe but I'm safer here than at his house. I think ill tell the police tomorrow I wont go to our local station just in case he's waiting for me.
Him
I'm so scared of what she'll do now, in the cold light of day I was so wrong and I know it. I should never have been so silly. I wish I could find her and explain to her I'm not well. Show her my prescription. Promise to take my medicine I hope it isn't all too late. How could I have even conceived of doing it let alone carrying it out? I was out of control totally insane. I hope she's ok.
May 8 th
How absolutely stupid can one man actuary be?
How many tears can one man cry?
How many times should one man say sorry before he is forgiven?
I went out this morning as soon as the sun rose. I went out to find her. For hours running round in the rain I hunted. I was soaking wet and tired when I spotted her faint little figure following the tracks stumbling along on her own.
I ran to her calling out her name, "please darling, I never meant to hurt you. I'm ill, I'm sick please sweaty, ill confess ill go to prison if that's what you want." Still her face was white she was so scared as I got closer she started to run. I was catching up with her, if I could just hold her and explain.
I heard the distant rumble of a train. Please darling come down it isn't safe. Ill leave I swear ill leave, I tried to catch up with her to stop her but now I look back I think I scared her all the more. She ran in front of the train without even checking the tracks.
I'm gathering my things together before I head towards the station to give them an accurate account of the last few days. I'm just looking for her diary.
Littlered.
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